The Ideal Scandal

quelqu'un m'a dit

2010-03-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

So I've neglected this blog. What happened was my boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, and I immediately fell right back into the arms of my 8-year-old blog at livejournal, whose entries I can protect so that they're only visible to certain site users. If you have a livejournal or want to create one (it's free), I have an entry up at my journal where you can ask me to add you and I usually will if it seems like you're a real person (link me to your blog or facebook or something to prove it). That is, if anyone is so desperate for my emotional news. Oh, the link: http://www.kaylyssa.livejournal.com/

I also went to Belize to visit my sister and brother-in-law, and it was amazing! I wrote an article for school where I tried to describe the soul of Belize mainly through the James Bus Line which I am kind of infatuated with. I feel passionately for a lot of inanimate things today don't I? My parents have said they will send me for another visit over Christmas. I'm already looking forward to it.

I moved into my new house all alone, and I'm in the process of unpacking/decorating which takes a really long time when I am trying to finish a double major and also working part-time and also trying to get to the gym regularly, and trying to eat, and trying to bathe myself, it adds up. But single life has left me with some semblance of free time, which I had none of before, and which I appreciate dearly.

France is fast-approaching! I will definitely use this blog to describe my experience there. I can't wait! My spoken French is so terribly bad! I am going to feel mortified for a month straight! Yess! I am also going to wear a dress every day and write beautiful poems in English and French, and go on alone-adventures, and maybe even smoke a pack of French cigarettes for the hell of it.

It's time for me to go to work now, sorry again for goin AWOL sryyyy

Or that!

2010-02-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have one hour until I go into work. I wanted to go home and sit in a chair during my break but as I exited the building my last class was in, and saw my car goldenly before me in its perfect 7:58 a.m. parking space, I lost my nerve. I came to the coffee shop and ordered a grande soy latte for which I paid 4 stupid dollars and waited 7 awkward minutes. Now I am sitting on a computer IN the coffee shop among a row of students and computers along a wall. People have to walk by me to go into or out of the library, which is connected to the coffee shop. It is pretty awkward. That's okay. Everyone can know that I update my blog.

Today in newswriting class I watched youtube videos of hippies and wrote dreamy things in my notebook. I listened to Janis Joplin and Jefferson Airplane. I am going to write a creative nonfiction poem. I got an A+ on the first assignment we turned in, but I'm not so sure about the article about my sister. I thought we'd have a chance to rewrite and we don't! My professor said "to me, everything is a draft." I guess. I wanted more time on it.

Remember when our moms and dads were young hippies? I want us to remember.

In Media Law, I got colder and colder as the class went on. I put on my coat. I buttoned my coat. Finally, I put up my hood like a criminal. I shook my feet around, kicking the person in front of me a few times. Instead of doodling a lot, I tore off all my nails. I have a system of cracking, peeling, and tearing my nails that is so nasty. What does it mean if I always have to be doing something with my hands? I wish we didn't know smoking was bad and there were ashtrays in lecture halls. That would make so much sense. I could be calm if it was 1950. If I look at my torn-off nails and the pink stubs of my fingers, I remember Sullivan v. New York Times. I know that this started when I was a kid. Inevitably the conversation would fall to the adults, my dad and whomever, sitting around a big table at a restuarant or in our dining room at home. I would listen intently and pick at my nails. The worst part is that I will fall into a reverie while listening to NPR and driving, and I start picking my nails at a stoplight.

Only 15 minutes have passed. What will I do? I should look at some respectable website like cnn.com so that people walking by will not think I'm full of myself. Or I could take pictures with the webcam.

woman with a greasy part, automatic pan

2010-02-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

In class I can't ever stop doodling. It annoys me, I don't even like it. Today I used a different kind of pen, a felt-tipped pen, because I knew that if I doodled it would bleed through the page and cause a disaster. I ended up filling in two of my fingernails, and, of course, smearing the ink all over my face. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just sit there nicely? Now I have to person a booth in the student center with two fingers that look like they got slammed in a door.

I have a test tomorrow and lots of reading to do tonight. This is terrible because I want to go thrift shopping, go to yoga class, watch a movie, cook breakfast for dinner, and do all my laundry. Instead I will read read read, underline and underline, and my hands will blacken even further, and I will get ink on my phone, and on the couch, in fact I will probably doodle on the couch, or on my arms, while trying not to keep reading, reading, reading.

Jane Austen's Love and Friendship. Act IV of L'Ecole Des Femmes. The Merchant of Venice. I could save Shakespeare for the weekend, taking the risk that there won't be a quiz tomorrow since there was one yesterday. It's a high risk. But I like reading Shakespeare on a Sunday.

The "student center," as I called it before, is really a glorified hallway. It's not even called the "student center." The Writing Center is giving out candy and mailing valentine postcards out if anyone wants to write one. We are also accepting break-up letters for a contest. I will person the booth for one hour. I don't think I have any company which is unfortunate since I'm awkward and I don't know anybody. At 12, there will be a line of students going in to the dining hall and maybe they will heckle me as they wait in line. Maybe they will say, "Can I have some candy?" and I will say "Yes." Maybe they will say nothing and I will pretend to organize the items on the table as if they are very important. I don't actually care. I have finally developed a thick skin from being awkwardly 4 years older than everyone else yet having to do the same embarrassing things. Presentations, speeches, personing booths, participation, group work, poetry workshops.

Yesterday I went to cycling class, which I have been going to every Monday. I don't know if it made up for the weekend when I ate different kinds of chips and dip for four hours straight. We were rooting for the Saints in the Superbowl. I had people over and I set out many different kinds of chips and dip. I even had broccoli and hummus. I think I was the most vigorous eater.

What will I do now? I left my study questions at home again so I'm not sure if I should read L'Ecole Des Femmes, plus my brain hasn't woken up. I guess I'll get some coffee and get a head start on Media Law reading. Guess that is what I'll do.

new lease on life

2010-02-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am in the library trying to read some french literature but I realized I left the study questions at home. I have to go back and get them. I just got this full cup of coffee and now I have to slosh it back to my car.

yesterday I negotiated a house for Brandon and I. we move in next weekend! it's brittany's mom's house which I have dreamed of living in since I first set foot in it. I was house sitting there when Brandon and I first started dating, so we have fond memories of watching tv and talking on the back porch. it is a dream come true. I can't wait to move out of the box I've lived in for four and a half years. birthday doesn't know it but he can't wait to have a big fenced in back yard!

actually I should call my current landlord while I'm at home. it will be like finally dumping the meanest ugliest boyfriend. you suck!! i'm leaving!

Wayne down on me

2010-02-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't been feeling well. I feel like miserable crap yet not sick enough to call out of anything. I'm going to tutor at school in a while. Yesterday a student I helped last semester told me she'd gotten an A on the paper we worked on together. I also felt poorly yesterday and working was fine, so I'll do it again today. Lots of tea is the key.

I sort of kind of went on an internet shopping spree because there was a sale. I got lots of stuff for not too much, and, horribly, ALL OF IT FITS. I say "horribly" because what is to stop me from having internet shopping sprees every day? Nothing. Just kidding I don't have money. But I got French cropped slacks and a French top to wear to France. French meaning "black."

I do want to go to the thrift stores soon because I need some modest things for Belize. My sister sent me a packing list and I'm so excited. Especially since it's warm in Belize, unlike here. I doubt it will be warm here in March. It will never be warm. They're saying we should get another storm around Monday just like the storm last weekend. I hope this doesn't happen. I just want to go outside when I want. Right now it's raining hard and steady, the coldest rain.

Everyone else in the apartment is sleeping curled up in tight balls. Brandon doesn't feel well either but I think he is much sicker than I am today. Poor everybody! Poor world!

un jour c'est toi qui pleureras

2010-02-02T04:38:00.000-08:00

EVEN though we had a snow day yesterday I've still been doing homework constantly. I took Birthday on many dangerous walks over white and black ice but we didn't fall down (despite his constant pulling). It snowed some and there was a good layer everywhere, but the main thing was ice. Walking across my driveway felt and sounded like walking across a frozen lake. Crack creak crack

One of my classes assigns us extravant readings, 20 pages, 30 pages, 20 pages, 15 pages, 20 pages, all for one day. So I try to get through that. Then reading in French takes me like 5 minutes per sentence. I probably have a kindergarten reading level if that. I am reading 17th century drama. Whoops. But I try! And I answer a worksheet of French questions in sad broken French which despite everything makes me feel cool.

I interviewed my sister for my advanced newswriting class. It's supposed to be a personality profile but it's obviously going to be about her life in Belize too. She said a lot of things that have been tumbling around in my head since the interview. I think we share a lot of ideals and a basic core philosophy of life, but she's in an environment where she can explore that in-depth and come to some major conclusions. Makes me kind of wish I wasn't wading through media law and Molière and fillin' up my brain with the Man. But I am and I'm glad I am. I look at college as an absorbing process, not a time for conclusions necessarily. I guess I just wish I could go somewhere and think for a long time.

Today I have to be at school all day to go to class, make 3 mini speeches, and attend a meeting (about Nice!). I'm doing all my required speeches for my tutoring job in one day. I'll be glad to have them over with. WELL It's time to start on some homework again.

2010-01-27T05:23:00.000-08:00

I can't figure out how to get an alarm to go off on my stupid phone. Oh well. School makes me busy, the two-hour break is always filled with hurried reading, so I'm not writing in here as much as I would have liked.

I always like to find hidden vegan messages in old literature (i.e. Moby Dick, my favorite book), so I was excited to read parts of Gulliver's Travels for brit lit. Swift was writing almost 200 years earlier than Melville, so I give him lots of breaks. It is NOT a "vegan" book under my whimsical definition, but I really enjoyed it anyway. If you haven't read this book, or at least parts 1,2, and 4, you must! Basically he goes to lands where the people are some extreme opposite of himself, and tries to understand them. The first people are inches tall, the next people are ten times his size, and in part four the land is ruled by horses, the only rational creature; while the men are "Yahoos," ape-like, despicable beasts. He doesn't ever break the hierarchy of his world completely, and in every land there are unmovable class systems. But I do think it's interesting his comment on humans and animals, especially in part four with the rational horses. At the end of that part, Gulliver is in such admiration of the horses (the "Houyhnhnms" pronounced "hwin-ims") that he hates himself and humanity altogether.

It was important for Swift to point out the shortcomings of humans, but instead doing this by raising animals to the level of humans, he lowered humans to the level of animal. The Houyhnhnms were even better than Europeans, far surpassing them in morals, ethics, and reason. Yahoos, supposed to illustrate man's animal nature, had no relationships with each other, and no feelings other than the occaisional episode of "spleen" (depression) caused by laziness. BUT even in animals like cows, pigs, elephants, real horses, etc., we see complex social activity, signs of grief, signs of stress, and lasting bonds between those animals or between those animals and us. I don't think he got "animal instinct" or "animal nature" correct at all, and if he had, Part 4 may have been even more "disturbing" to people then and now, since we never want to admit how much of an animal we are.

Swift was on the right track, but being an animal is not a horror or a disgrace. He was right that we are nothing but animals. He was wrong that we should be ashamed of it.

at haircuttery

2010-01-23T12:51:00.001-08:00

my hairdresser is running 15 minutes late. I talked to my sister today after falling out of touch for a few weeks. I can't wait to see her again when I visit over spring break.

I'm getting a haircut because I am aborting my growing out of bangs mission. Brandon thinks long hair with long bangs is boring. he likes me best with short hair but i'm not doing that again quite yet. maybe for my wedding I will get my true self louise brooks bob.

what else besides hair? school is hard and time consuming. BUT! I have been going to the gym a lot. cycling, yoga, kickboxing, running. unfortunately my stupid body remains unchanged.

I hope this haircut invigorates my soul and inspires me to read an entire shakespeare play.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010-01-12T04:04:00.000-08:00

My first day of school was yesterday, but today is another first day. Another 8am class. The good thing about an 8am is that there is parking, and I can leave 15 minutes before class starts and be fine. Yesterday I was actually late to my first class. Ugh!

My first class was Brit Lit. The professor seems nice. After that class I went home and walked Birthday and had lunch. Other days I might stay at school catching up. My next class was Shakespeare, and this class was packed. I liked it. It was like high school, 25 people. Then I remained in that classroom until my French class came in. The entire class is conducted in French. I think I understood most of it but it felt pretty overwhelming. In fact, I felt overwhelmed completely until I organized a to-do list and completed a big assignment.

I got my iphone yesterday and it's pretty fancy. I was glued to it for most of the afternoon, trying to figure everything out. I can't believe I have this futuristic device, a tiny little computer. I can already type on it. Maybe I'll update from it sometime!

wuthering expectations

2010-01-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

I'm sneezing a lot today. Tomorrow is the first day of school! I hope I'm not still embarrassingly sneezing snot all over my face every five minutes. I'm worried about this semester. I have a feeling of forboding, but I'm pretty sure it's just my inner self naysaying. I will be fine. My plan is to try to get everything done ahead of time and meticulously for as long as possible, so when I inevitably get burnt out in a few months, the damage will be minimal. It's best to start off strong and fizzle out than it is to start of fizzled and try to make up for it later.

In fact, today I am going to read 20 pages that appear to be due tomorrow. I've seen the syllabus for most of my classes. Luckily, most of them only have one paper due the whole time, but lots and lots to read.

I can't believe I'm going to be in France in 4.5 months. Our first meeting is this week, where I will find out "information on schools, placement, classes, accomodations, etc." What will my family be like? Will there be children? Kids my age? Just 2 adults? I hope there are small children, because it's hard to feel lonely around babies. I will be their free au pair. How many families con themselves international students, only to use them as slaves?

I wish I could stay longer than four weeks. Some people try to do an internship after their stay, since they are already there. I can't be away from my tiny family that long. At least Brandon understands I will be back; it breaks my heart to think of Birthday's tiny black eyes watching for me for a month.

I hope I have internet access there so I can keep a detailed blog (this one) the whole time. I'm sure I will at the school I will be attending. Also, I wonder what that will be like? I will be going to language classes 5 days a week, but where? At a college? At a community center?

Before I go to Nice, I will go to Belize for a week to visit Greg and Kevina. This should be a great year.

Go with Him in twenty-Tin

2010-01-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

I decided to go to grad school. I will apply to exactly 3 schools: uncc, uncg, and uncw. There are pros and cons to all of them, but I'm happy with my decision. I will stay at my parents' house if I got to uncw, and commute if I go to uncc or uncg.

I went to Virginia for one night and I liked it. I like driving in the mountains. There was a little snow.

I will try to write here more! I will probably write during my 2-hour break between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. I have to read 100,000 pages of everything this semester.

chômage

2009-12-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

I got 4 As and a B this semester. I did all my Christmas shopping. Today I did my errands in the part of town I grew up in. I drove some paths I hadn't driven in a while; I drove part of a path I used to take to and from the Spacefort. The Spacefort was a house of college guys where I met anyone who meant anything to me from ages 16-21. Now I know different people too but it took a long while for that to happen. I don't think anyone at the Spacefort actually graduated from UNCC. I would commute 40 minutes to party there, "party" I don't even remember what we did. We would sit on couches that were raised up on cinderblocks and watch movies. I drank all sorts of kinds of drinks.
While doing my errands today, while driving the paths I drove back then, I tried to look at things and not assign emotions to them. I tried to fuse childhood memories (good) with adolescence memories (bad) and come out with some kind of educated objectivism. I did okay because I didn't get upset and I enjoyed my errands, but I felt a little bitter ember in my heart.
I've lived in my new neighborhood for four years and I really could take it or leave it. It's not as charming as it thinks it is.
Today I had French Night with Shannon at Amelie's, the French bakery. I had them chop me up 1/4 of a baguette since they have no vegan snacks even though they are trendy. I always think haughty things like, "Let's go to Amelie's and play Apples to Apples, as if we live in New York City where our apartments are too small for parties! It will be so glamorous to pretend not to have a front porch!" Yet there I am, my very self, wearing tall boots and a trench coat and practicing my French. I hate everyone that goes to Amelie's, including myself. Anyway, we gossiped in broken French and it was wonderful.
Tomorrow I would like to buy a new microwave and some tiny presents for the baby and then I am done shopping! I am ready for Christmas to come and go.

Snow what

2009-12-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

I did indeed make a B in Public Speaking. But I'm proud of myself.
I've also been exercising more like I meant to. I went to a class called "NIA" which is supposed to be a fusion of yoga, martial arts, and dance, but it was mostly freestyle Charlie Brown dancing. I was sore the next day. Then I went to kickboxing with Holly at a different Y, which was really fun. I go to the "Dowd" Y usually, which is shaped like a skyscraper and is inpenetrable from the hours of 4:30-6:30pm. No parking space, no machine. Filling the parking spaces and machines are muscle men, gay muscle men, and professional ladies all ogling each other. In the "missed connections" section of Craigslist for Charlotte, all you get is "mfm did we have a moment in the sauna at the dowd Y?"
I'm kind of proud of myself that this Y is "my" Y, because it is the most intimidating one. I think it also has the best yoga classes. That I have yet to go to in my new exercise enthusiasm. I would plan to go today but there's a snow sky and it has just started hailing. It sounds like a bunch of toy cars dropping outside.

I saw Holly Golightly on Tuesday at Snug Harbor. She was so amazing. Unfortunately there were lots of annoying, loud ladies surrounding me on all sides. A fat Goth girl, after she was finished shouting at the top of her lungs about face piercings, jammed her big Gothic butt into my personal space in some sort of disgusting "dance." Young, tiny blonde girls on the other side of me also shouted at the top of their lungs during entire songs, pausing only to take photos of themselves. I found out it was an all ages show so I guess that explains it. I don't remember being soo rude! when I was 18. I was annoying, to be sure, but I really liked music. Probably more than I do now.

The next day after that show I took a grueling 2.5 hour exam on 17th century literature and I made a 98!

Last night I saw my friends' band Foxchase play their final show. One of the members is going to Iraq. Or Afghanistan now I guess, I don't know. Anyway I hope he is safe and comes home soon. The other bands were surprisingly awesome so it was a nice time. But around midnight I started to get so tired. I'm still on a school schedule; for example, it's now 9:45am and I am awake and have been for some time.

Case of the Somedays

2009-12-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

I took an exam this morning and I have 2 more to go. I also turned in a paper. One thing I am mad about is I am probably going to get a B in Public Speaking. I've never made a B in college. It's so not fair! I hope we're graded on improvement. I made Bs on all my speeches though and those are pretty much the main grades. Well, I don't know what I made on my last speech, probably another B. But I showed up EVERY day (nearly) at 8am! C'man! Ugh!
I hope the rest of my grades are As. I can't stand the suspense.
My car is making a beeping noise outside. I know what it is and I hate it. I want to set that car on fire. It's not the car's fault. It's a good car. Three more months and my frustrations are over.
I'm working on an art project for home-made Secret Santa. My art skills are rusty. So far I have a painted a matboard green. I meant to paint it blue.
In a few hours, I have my French exam. I'm not too worried about it. My hardest exam will be Wednesday, 17th century lit. I have to actually study.
Brandon and I can't get enough of true crime shows. Last night we watched "talhotblond:" on msnbc, about creepy moms and dads pretending to be their younger selves/their own sexy offspring. I had nightmares about murderers.
Today it's misty outside. You can't see very far ahead of you.
Yesterday I didn't leave the house not once (Brandon walked Birthday). I felt down. Today I feel fine but it's so hard to work up the courage to go outside and walk the dog. I had been doing well before yesterday. I have to do it before I leave for my exam but what I really want is a long nap.
I've been trying to stop pigging out so much lately. It's been going well. I crave exercise and a fit strong body, but my willpower is so flimsy in December. When exams are over, I have no more excuses! I pay $50/month for my membership to the Y! They have yoga classes every day! I will go to 5 yoga classes a week until Christmas. I just pulled that goal out of my pants. But it's something.

I used to be fit like this

and it makes me so jealous I had better watch out before I start pretending to be my own self on the internet.

Three things

2009-12-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

I should go to bed. I was trying to read a 17th century play but then I remembered I had about 3 hours of online French homework I had totally forgotten about. My right hand is an ice block from being in the cold netherlands of the mousepad. I don't want to lay in bed if I'm not tired. I would read but it would disturb Brandon. I wish my eyes shot 60 watt light rays wherever they looked. Alas.

Babies have it so easy. They get to learn any language they want by just sitting there, silent, listening, for years. Then they try to speak: "Bap! Goog! Brump! Mump!" and everyone looks at them and says, "Yes. Very good." I wish I learned French when I was a baby. I wish I could speak three languages. Is it too late? I'm trying so hard. I feel like I've gotten nowhere. You learn so much and then you hear someone speak a normal sentence and it means nothing.

It's raining. I want new pants.

Rule #1: Don't be weird

2009-12-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

In 16 minutes, Kara will come over so we can watch Tough Love. This is a show where I really root for the women, even though they are on a reality TV show. I keep trying to convince Brandon to sign up with me for Tough Love: Couples even though I know I would never actually try to do that. I just want to do relationship obstacle courses and emotion puzzles! I want Steve to tell me I did a great job.

This weekend was fine. I kept busy. I had a long Friday and then an impromptu TV party with Kara and Tatia. We took in a Say Yes to the Dress marathon, my other favorite reality show. SORRY! Tatia and I got fancy coffees. Saturday I went to the Great Wolf Lodge to babysit the children my sister used to nanny. It was lots of fun; the kids are precious. The craziest thing was playing Magi-Quest, this crazy real-life role play game where the kids wave wands at special objects throughout the entire hotel to earn runes they need to get to the next level. I could not believe my ears when their mom started explaining it to me.

magiQuest

When I was little, I had to pretend the entire hotel was a magical forest infested with wizards.

Today I slept all day; I even slept through the Panthers game. I did manage to go to Home Economist to get a bunch of vegan junk food, and to take Birthday on a walk to the grocery store for dog food. We went on a longer walk earlier. I listened to French podcasts but are they helping? I don't know.

Brandon comes home tomorrow. I'm glad; I realized that I do not leave the house unless he is here. The only reason I saw anybody this weekend is because they showed up at my house to watch TV. I like silence, but this is a little extreme. My natural self is a little extreme.

A Trudgin Curmudgin

2009-12-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

I took Brandon to the airport this morning. It's just me and the animals now. School today was fine. I'm racking up tutoring hours this week from many last-minute louises. I added another day to my schedule (tomorrow) to accommodate them. When I finally got home from school I ate dinner, walked Bird, and came down with terrible cramps. I lay down to alleviate them and stupidly fell asleep for a while. Now I feel fine but I still haven't studied for my French exam. Je suis subjonctif.

Over thanksgiving, my mother and I saw Fantastic Mr. Fox. The next day we went to the beach, where I took pictures of birds and she looked for sea glass. I made one of the pictures my new heading photo.

Mom picking sea glass at Carolina Beach

a bird

I also asked my mom if my parents had anything in mind for a Christmas present for me. She said no, and so I made my confession: I wanted an iPhone. I don't know! Did you know my DAD has one? My dad got an iPod before me, and now an iPhone. I feel a sense of entitlement. Aren't I supposed to be of the technology-obsessed youth? We researched it and my contract is up for renewel Jan. 11. That is when I will get my Christmas present of a telephone. I'm so stupid. Yet excited! Did you know you can make your phone give you a yoga lesson?! I will not have to carry around a paper day planner. Life is going to rule.

To make matters worse, I stumbled across this case:

and I think I have to get it. It's $40. Look, I'm sorry. I have some spending money from tutoring and I want to shower myself with frivilous, adorable things. Oh also I read the reviews and half of them said the case cracked down the middle of its own accord after 2 months. I'm not deterred.

I can't wait to stand around in public, furiously flicking at the screen with my thumbs while onlookers watch jealously. That's what it's like to have an iPhone, right? And then you tell Facebook what you are doing and it puts a little phone next to your post so everyone on the internet knows you have an iPhone, too.

Pretending to blog in awkward situations

2009-12-02T05:45:00.007-08:00

I got out early from my 8am class, which put me in my next class an awkward 20 min early. Luckily there are 30 imacs and no 8am in this room. Unluckily, my professor is here writing on the marker board. Whatever. I'm bloggin!

The end of the semester for me is stupidly easy. I am turning in a big story for this class today, so that's done, and then I have a paper due in lit class that does not require in-text citations. It's kind of a historical fiction thing. I'm excited to do it. I also have to give an occasional speech but that's only 2-3 minutes of torture. Then I have three exams during exam week, another in-class, and one not at all. Then, a month off before what I'm realizing will be the hardest semester ever: Media Law and Ethics, TWO lit classes, Molière in French, and Advanced Newswriting. Aka papers papers papers. Millions of hours of reading homework. Two languages. I better learn real French from this damn 17th century class.

This weekend, Brandon is going to Chicago to visit his friend. I am baby-sitting Saturday night for a family my sister used to nanny for before she went into the Peace Corps. She raised the kiddies up since they were babies; the oldest one is 8 now I think. Maybe even older. 10?! Anyway they are coming to Charlotte and I am going to their hotel while the parents go to a birthday party. I'm excited. I've helped her watch the kids several times over the years while in Wilmington and I love them. So that is what I am doing while the cat's away.

I can't believe at the end of next semester I will be going to France. I've already started to panic about it. I like to consider myself an adventurous kind of person, but boyfriends complicate things. So do dogs and cats. And living with a family who doesn't speak your language. Actually, they may speak English but that's not the point is it. The point is to immerse yourself in a culture until you are so terrified that you open your mouth and baby French comes out like little farts. By the end of four weeks, you are stumbling through your daily business sans anglais. Yikes.

Before I go to France, I will visit my sister in Belize. I'll be a little jet-setter next year. I hope I become an improved/cooler person because of it. I hope I get better at Jeopardy.

Lookbook

2009-11-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

I am wearing skinny pants and a large sweater. I am wearing three scarves.

I am wearing a high-waisted skirt and interesting tights.

I am wearing shoes from the future.

visuals

2009-11-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

outfit the other night.

and happy birthday (last week) to Brandon my love

smallpox giving day

2009-11-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving break has started. Last night we went out but there was nothing good to do and I got tired early. The internet is being slow which makes me feel very cranky. I feel a little lonely tonight. Brandon went to stand next to a bonfire and I watched TV with Kara. We also got dinner. I don't like being alone, especially not this Thanksgiving week. It's the worst week of the year. People eat meat with their families; I don't eat meat, I never have family. At least my mom will be in America this year so at school I didn't have to say "I am going to a friends' house." Man. Smessed up man

I shouldn't start thinking about it. I should read my chick lit book in bed and then fall asleep. Brandon will get in at some point. We have a tiny family, three babies. I can think about that.
I'm ready to get married and graduate college. I know one shouldn't get too ahead of oneself in life, but I can't help it. I feel tired and guilty!

Thanksgiving thanksgiving thanksgiving. When I have my own family I will cook a vegan meal and tell the children that it's self-righetous to be thankful, that listing the good things in your life is sometimes depressing and always false. Name one thing you are pleased about and one thing you would like to improve upon. Give someone else a compliment. But thanks, thanks, thanks? Sometimes I had nobody to thank besides myself man and fuck all those years. We should have more negative holidays.

somewhere i have never travelled

2009-11-18T05:47:00.000-08:00

I just bought a coffee from the school cafeteria for the first time ever. I had been too scared because one time I walked in there to look around after they remodeled the whole thing and they screamed "YOU HAVE YOUR STUDENT ID" and I panicked and fled. I mean I have a student ID but there's no meal plan on it. I know that's what they wanted.

My lymph nodes were swollen for one week during which I was very tired and missed a few days of school. My body was heavy and limp and it was impossible to do tasks, kind of like when I had mono. I'm proud of my body for fighting something off without much ado. My 'nodes are invisible again and I feel fine. Except that I am stressed out and sometimes my skin hurts as if it has rug burns all over it, only nothing is visibly wrong. I researched this on the internet and I'm not the only one who experiences this! But nobody knows what causes it. I read people's accounts of their skin pain for hours. It has happened to me for years and I had no idea it was even a real thing. Crazy.

Today is Brandon's birthday and I hate having school all morning! I hope he likes his presents. I showed up to my 8am class and after a few minutes a lady came in and said "Your teacher's sick." I wonder if he will be sick Friday too. After this week is a full luxurious long endless full week of thanksgiving break. We get long breaks at my school because everyone is from out of town.

Brandon and I went with Emma to the school dance, "Casino Night." I bought a new dress with my tutoring money. I danced to two songs: Britney Spears "3" and the Cuban Shuffle. These are my two favorite dances. It was amazing. I don't know what I will do next year when Emma is gone :'(

We watched Alice last night, the Woody Allen movie. It was okay. It just made me want to watch Hannah and Her Sisters again. For some stupid reason that's my favorite Woody Allen movie, it makes me cry. Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands. I also like Play it Again, Sam better than I like Annie Hall.

I feel dreamy. I want to watch poetic movies and write poetic poems.

It's gonna take an airplane

2009-11-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am at school waiting for a tutor training session to start. It will take two hours which is good because I have way more than two hours' worth of energy bumbling around in my bones from all the extra sleep I got last night. NOT! I have zero hours of energy. If I were an electronic device I would not even turn on.
I had class today and then put in some time at the Center. On my sign up sheet, one slot was blank and the other had a name but it was crossed off. The last slot had someone signed up. Two kids walked in and neatly crossed off the last name on the sheet. "He's not feeling well," they explained. I sadly waved goodbye to them. I cleverly forgot to bring anything to do in case this would be the case, so I read the course catalogue for a while. Then I drew some pictures. Then I tried to do some French reading homework but it was very boring. Here is an old castle. Here is an old bridge. You can bunjee jump off the bridge! You can see the castle at night.

Oh last night I discovered the the lymph nodes on the back of my neck are swollen even though I don't have a cold or anything. Brandon said it could be my allergies. The internet said it was probably cancer or a tumor. If they are not back to normal by Monday I'll go to the doctor. Could I at least graduate college before God strikes me down with a terminal illness? Just wondering.

Jobs schmobs. Brandon and I are starting to hate our parents' generation for ruining the economy, the environment, and our personal lives. And yet these same people are trying to give us tips about how to live and what to do, like they know what it's like to be in the worst world. Like they ever had a good idea about anything.

Come Monday

2009-11-03T05:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling good this week. I woke up early today and voted for mayor of Charlotte. I'll come out and say it: I voted for Anthony Foxx. He's the democrat but everyone has been talking about how the two candidates are soooo similar. I don't think they're that similar; I think Foxx is way better. Don't forget to vote today!

I've been putting in some extra hours tutoring at the Center. I've started to really enjoy it now that I kind of have the hang of the whole "minimalist tutoring" thing.

This past weekend was Halloween. Brandon was Edgar Allan Poe and I was the Raven.

There are like a thousand pictures on facebook but here is one from my webcam. The next night we took the baby out in a lion suit but it rained and we had to go home. Now it's Thanksgiving-time which is my least favorite of all holidays. Everyone celebrates peace by eating a murdered animal and my own family is never around. I think my mom will be in town, so I devised a plan to go to Wilmington to visit her and having a nice, calm, silent, 2-person, vegan thanksgiving at the beach. Perfect.

I'm going to walk to the post office with Birthday now to mail Kevina some gossip rags!

He keeps a commerce in the night

2009-10-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

I forget I even exist until small moments where I notice there are a lot of yellow leaves. Then I try to remember to feel something, something about the leaves. Something to fix myself in this place and time, a marker, "save draft"

I also try to wear nice clothes to school to remind myself that I exist.

I try to get pumped about my existence: I'm a girl in a blue coat, I could be anything, nobody knows. And I am!

I have 3 semesters left in college and then I have planned on great things happening. I will get a job writing poetry for the newspaper. I'm not nervous about graduating in a year and a half because anyone who wants a job can have one. Plus, my academic career choices have been the best. I am the only qualified candidate for most jobs. Once I get the job, I will soon be promoted: Executive Vice Poet.

The busy wind all night blew through thy lodging, where thy own warm wing thy pillow was. Many a sullen storm...rained on thy bed and harmless head. And now as fresh and cheerful as the light thy little heart in early hymns doth sing.

We just have to keep on keepin' on, birdies.

Boo

2009-10-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

First I'd like to say that today, the first day back from fall break, the first day I feel better after having a cold all weekend, I woke up at 5:30 am and did not want to get out of bed. I made myself some vegan french toast as a reward for making it into the kitchen and heated up some old coffee. I coaxed myself into the shower, which thawed my ice block feet for ten minutes before they froze up again. I put on jeans and my new coat and hat and walked Birthday as the sun came up. I'm so tired I want to cry, I thought, over and over.
I pulled up to school at exactly 8am and rushed to class. I made it there by 8:01, only when I got there my classmates were standing around outside the door. "It's locked," a girl explained (it's 8am, we are too zombified to know each other's names). We stood around waiting for 8:15 so we could leave. Finally, a girl said, "Did he e-mail us about today? Is today the 19th? I think he cancelled class." "ARE YOU SERIOUS." I had done my speech before the break, but lots of others had yet to go, and were told LAST CLASS to be prepared "ON MONDAY." "Yeah, he did. Today's class is cancelled." "I want to kill myself," I replied.
I debated driving home and taking a nap, but it's too late, I'm up. I'm in my stupid coat and hat and I drank my stupid coffee. The library isn't even open yet so I came to the basement of the science building where I know international students hold LAN parties until 4am every day. All the computers are messed up in here and the chairs are all crazy. I've seen them with headphones and laptops. It's our one 24 hour computer lab. I like it.

The second thing I'd like to share is that yesterday I took Bon Bon to the emergency room. Brandon and I were watching reruns of the Office on Netflix when Bon Bon hopped on my lap and I patted him. Then I felt something weird. Something wrong. I took him into the dining room under the light and inspected his side. There was a little wound there, a little puncture wound. I kind of picked him up and pushed his fur aside to get a better look. The thing oozed brown stuff at me out of a round little mouth! I felt like puking and for some reason I started shaking. "Bon Bon needs to go to the hospital," I announced. We got our things and piled into the car. I took him to the emergency vet my mom and I used to work at. I told the lady at the counter he had a wound on his side and they put me in a room right away. A tech came in and looked at him, and then took him into the back. We waited. After a few minutes, she came back in and said Bon Bon was running a slight fever, so they were going to monitor him a bit before flushing out the wound. She said it would be a while. Brandon and I passed the time, about an hour, playing the Dot Game in my mini moleskine. Finally, the vet came in. She was holding a cup which she placed on the examination table.
"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Hughes," she said, which I liked, but we explained I am Miss Hughes and Brandon is the boyfriend (alas). "I'm just going to do a little show-and-tell," she continued. "We began to flush out the wound, to clear it of pus and see what was going on, and this popped right out." She picked up the cup and thrusted it under my nose. Inside was a worm. Like a maggot worm, only much bigger. I said, "OH GOD!" and turned bright red. My eyes watered up. "Don't throw up!" said the doctor. Brandon said, "She'll be fine."
In fact, what was in the cup was a cuterebra, a fly larva that likes to grow up inside small mammals. The larvae wait until an animal walks by or sticks its head into their nest, and then they enter the animal through its mouth or nose. Then they burrow out beneathe the animal's skin. They don't feed off the animal, they just sublet a little part of its body, cued by body heat to grow. They make a little breathing hole in the skin-roof and when they're grown up they fall out and turn into a fly and mate and start all over.

a cute cuterebra

The vet cleaned the wound and put Bon Bon on some antibiotics. He's doing just fine. My emotions, however, are not. My cat was infested with monsters. Happy Halloween.

Y/N

2009-10-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's 12:23am. I slept for a long time this afternoon and when I finally woke up I realized my cold was getting kind of serious. DO I HAVE THE SWINE FLU?! I don't know. It seems like just a cold but then I did some internet panicking and you don't even have to have a fever when you have swine flu.

It's fall break, of course I would spend fall break being a sickie. Right now Brandon is watching a show and I wish I was out. It's kind of a nice night, although I may only think it's a nice night because it's not raining. Today I bought myself a grey-blue trench coat. I wish I was wearing stockings and the trench coat and tall boots and I felt wonderful and my hair was clean. Wish in one hand

I hung out with Kara some this evening. We got sandwiches and coffee (I got a green tea soy latte...who am I) and then we ate the sandwiches while watching Say Yes to the Dress and letting the dogs play. Now Birthday is napping on a pillow. Bon bon went out for the night.

I survived midterms at school although I had a few mental breakdowns. Most of the mental breakdowns were secretive. I find that styling or washing my hair and applying makeup is a good motivator.

I wish I could breathe out of both nostrils at will.

OH WOE

FULL FRONTAL SICKIE

Negative Ned

2009-10-13T10:24:00.000-07:00

I have twelve minutes before I go to tutoring. It is midterms week. I don't think midterms were a big deal for me until exactly this semester. I had lots of classes that didn't have them, and now all my classes do. Even my internship!
I have to give a speech tomorrow. I almost gave one on Monday but the computer wasn't accepting our powerpoints. Now I have to buy a thumb drive and try again. WHATEVER! I was nervous on Monday. Everything makes me angry and mad. I have to pay 15 dollars to give a speech.
Ten minutes.
I'm not enjoying this semester of school. I never felt anxious to graduate, but I do now. I can't wait until I don't have homework to do ALL the time every day.
After tomorrow it's fall break, but two days off isn't much. I still have to do stuff for my internship. Yesterday a man told us that every six months we should walk in the woods for an hour and think deeply about what we are doing. If I had that kind of time, here are the thoughts I would think: I do not want a job where I have to speak to anyone on the phone or in person ever.

For fall break I want to clean off the surfaces in my house that are cluttered with boots and books and bills and animal or baby supplies. I want to clean bottles out of my car. I should go tutor a person.

Real Poetry with Ned Hughes

2009-10-07T13:31:00.000-07:00

I am going to school in a bit to interview a few girls and in between, report on our mayoral forum. Isn't "mayoral forum" the stupidest sounding pair of words? No: "nut graf" is. I am miss pretend journalist, since this is all for Newswriting class and not actually any sort of paper.
I wanted to be a journalist when I was little because Elizabeth Wakefield was a journalist. I didn't understand that there were different kinds of writers. "Liz wanted to be a writer" to me meant "Liz wanted to write poems and short stories about cats, just like you!" and somehow the newspaper had something to do with that. It turns out Liz was just a jerk.
I JUST want to be a poet. I ONLY want to be a poet. I want them to put my poems in the newspaper as the daily news. All realities are reality, there is no objective or subjective reality. Poetry is news.

nobody, not even the rain

2009-10-05T03:17:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't be writing. I should be doing something else. Sometimes I really don't want to put my body under a hose of water for fifteen minutes. Humans are so stupid. The worst part of the world is that it's raining.

I got a haircut on Saturday so I have bangs again. I like them. I am wearing a disguise when I don't have bangs. I am refusing to reveal my entire self.

I calculated that I don't have to go to school today except for one class in which I have a quiz. Unfortunately, I might as well go to them all. First though I have to get my car to start which is a pain in the ass in the rain. Pain in the ass in the rain in the yard in the world in the galaxy. I'm sorry I said "ass."

I just don't want to do anything, IT WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT in the sunshine, not that the sun would be shining at this time, but it's the thought that counts. The rain is horrible. I hate water. I hate the sea. I hate a river. I hate clouds.

come down from there

2009-10-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at the Observer I got an ID badge with my stupid little face on it! I have to write a press release by Monday. I've never written one before. It will be an experience, some experience.

Last night I finished my homework kind of early, and Brandon went to bed early, and I stayed on the internet gossiping with Emma for hours. It ruled. Then I remembered some reading I hadn't done so I did that in bed until late. Whoops. I'm sleepy this morning but it's FRIDAY so I don't even care. Friday is a miracle.

I have a social commentary: people that post about "weed" on their facebook status updates are ridiculous. SO many people on my news feed do this! Wow! I don't think it should be a crime or anything, but it is, so I don't do it. But if I DID? I don't think I'd be all Kaylyssa Hughes is sooooo high on weed y'all!!

Ugh I only have nine minutes until I should take BD on his walk but it's still so pitch black out. Oh last entry when I said I was going to get to class on time, I was still the first one there and waited alone while my professor set up powerpoint slides. Awesome. I will leave at 7:59 and see what happens.

haha

That's me in front of our new shower curtain. I think I need bangs....I mean, need bangs. The cat needs in. I should put on pants. Woulda shoulda coulda.

Oh you'd hate to be a girl

2009-09-30T04:35:00.001-07:00

I finally figured out the programming for my internship project. Now I am pumped. What a relief. It's early and timeish to leave for school but I decided I didn't want to get there 10 minutes early today. I will arrive on time/1 minute late.
I didn't go to ballet class yesterday. I managed to take off my boots, but other than that I lay fully clothed in bed until I passed out for 2 hours. SO I think I am going to move up my tutoring schedule a half hour on Tuesdays in hopes that I will have enough time to rest and actually freaking make it to a freaking ballet class!
Speaking of tutoring, I did some extra time Monday and then my regular hours today...and I've been completely booked! I've been trying really hard to do the "minimalist defensive" tutoring techniques we learn about in training, which means I sit back with my arms folded as the student reads me her paper, pen in hand. Almost everyone appreciates this technique! It's been kind of hard to break myself of old habits I picked up helping my sister and Kara with their college papers before I even got into college...my red pen flying, "Why do you have this? It should be this. Hey, doesn't this sound better? I have a new title for you." I still do this for Kara though. I helped her with a grad school paper the other night!
Anyway tutoring really churns my brain and I like it. I like things that are hard.
OK I think I can leave now without awkwardly sitting in an empty classroom watching the professor prepare youtube on his computer.

One and one

2009-09-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

My mom left last night after visiting for about a week. It was cramped and I was busy but other than that it was nice. She made a bunch of excellent meals. Now I am relishing alone time while Brandon is at a meeting.

I took Birthday for a long walk in the newly crisp air. I think I'll go to ballet class tonight. Today I have: discuss the holy sonnets, tutor, home, dinner, ballet. I tutored some extra hours yesterday because everyone had a big paper due. 4/5 people came to their appointments! It was fun. I hope they do well on their papers/I hope I helped.

Crap I really need to make myself a sandwich and get dressed. Oh I have a paper due tomorrow but I'm hoping to churn it out in a very small amount of time, i.e. after ballet. We'll see. Well wasn't this an exciting update? My life is a nerd's life.

Tak tak tak

2009-09-25T03:29:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my first day at the Observer. I got to attend the meeting where they pick out what goes on the front page! Everyone was really nice but I met way too many people. It wasn't for a few hours after I got there that my supervisor and I sat down to look at the project. Then I found out it's complicated to post something on the site, i.e. my main job is complicated and involves a little program with lots of boxes. I'm still excited of course, I just hope I can figure it all out without crashing somebody's computer.

My mom has been in town again and I guess I haven't been dealing well with the overcrowding. I need to be nicer now that my busy week is over. I mean yesterday I was trying to get ready to go to my internship and I had to side-step around a man, a baby, my mom, a dog, and a cat. I wanted to cry! I lived alone for three years, I am NOT used to people putting their tiny little noses in my business every moment of the day. Even if they say, "You look nice," I want to say "GET OUT OF HERE." So. I need to cool it.

Coincidentally, this weekend is parents' weekend at school. UnFORtunately tickets for parents' weekend are like $35. I looked at the schedule and it's all about our new stupid sports complex. Did you know my school has the largest statue of a lion in the world? Yet they cannot find us a few more parking spaces. Anyway I'm not making my mom pay $35 to watch the alumni soccer game you know? I might have her come take a tour during my canceled French class today. It will be free and I will be the tour guide.

It's probably time to think about getting dressed. All this week my first class of the day was canceled so this morning is rough. Plus I decided I don't care about sleep because I don't have the time.

Ideals

2009-09-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

I heard that educating women tends to stabilize a population. I guess they go to school, get a job, and pull themselves out of a position where they are churning out babies to help support the family business or what have you. This makes me feel really excited because that may be something I could do to help out the world that doesn't make me feel like I may be secretly hurting it (like famine relief/foreign aid possibly just prolonging starvation). Lately I've been feeling uncomfortable about my lack of outward concern for humans, like I only care about the animals and want to devote my life to them when humans may be the saddest, most tragic animal there is.
It's too bad I am terrified of Africa ever since something horrifying happened to an acquaintance of mine while she was studying there. I want to learn to speak French and help overpopulation in the world, and champion women's rights, I mean. Africa obviously. I wish I had more lifetimes and bodies.

It's not that I am such an idealistic person all of a sudden. It's just that my sister is so inspiring and I want to do my part too. I want to do everything she does! Plus watching God Grew Tired of Us doesn't help, I think that's the only time I have wished Core class would go on all day. HA! It's a really really interesting film.

School has been a stress bomb but I am responsibly doing some homework this Saturday morn. My internship at the Observer starts this Thursday! I'm so excited.

The poor dog needs a walk so I will do that. My bones are just so tired today. Here is a doodle I drew about my feelings in class

Sleepy

2009-09-18T03:47:00.000-07:00

I must leave for a walk with Bird in twelve minutes. Last night in the middle of my homework I snapped and could not do it anymore. I could not do anything. I squashed myself into the couch and remained there until well after bedtime. This morning, I have just completed my French homework and thought of an idea for my informative speech (vegetarianism can reduce your carbon footprint), which brings me nearly to where I should be. I just couldn't go on last night. We get a paper back today in Core and my prof. did one of those mass emails about general things everybody did wrong. I hate those because I feel like I am responsible for each point. We are supposed to revise it when we get it back. I'd almost rather just take a grade and be done with it. Core is so much like high school.

It's finally Friday and for my Friday I would like to sleep for several hundred thousand hours. I guess I don't have much else to say besides about how tired I am. C'mon school day go on down

Bleeding Heart/Mind/Lung

2009-09-16T09:11:00.001-07:00

My classes are over but I tutor for an hour soon. I stopped by the Center and nobody has signed up. I AGAIN forgot to bring anything to do, so I guess I can do French homework/other today homework again. Grreat.
I have an unrest in my soul. In Core class they made us watch a film called Triage, about MSF (medecins sans frontiers/doctors without borders) and Somalia. We got lots of the 90s footage of thin children and babies not doing well. They should really prepare us if they are going to show us these images. Does everyone really look at it like "oh no" and then go on with their day? It makes me feel very frustrated and unsettled. The worst thing is that I don't know what I could possibly do about famine in other countries/civil war in other countries/sad people everywhere. It's not an easy solution like "go help them" or "give them something to eat" like lots of people try to tell you. Overpopulation is a huge problem, overproducing food is a big problem in this and other developed countries, and I don't think we should try to grow MORE food to send away. Should we send food? I don't know. I don't want anyone to die or suffer or starve. I wish nobody was. The horrible fact is that there are WAY too many humans on this planet growing way too much food and using far too many resources. What can I do? What can I do?

It seems kind of hack to show footage of Somalia to college students. "There are starving children in Africa," yes, and WHY do you assume that it doesn't bother me? Also how weird was it that that line was used to prompt kids to clean their plates/not "waste" food. Why don't you prepare me less food and let me ask for seconds? How is it my fault you are making too much food?

There's so much suffering in this stupid terrible world. I was born in 1985 with two thousand years of mistakes on my back. Don't try to make me feel bad. I already feel bad. I already FEEL BAD.

en francais, comme une spy

2009-09-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

C'est cinq minutes avant mon classe de newswriting commence. Je ne veux pas écrire en anglais parce que les autre étudients pouvent le voir. cet matin, j'allais en promenade avec birthday, et il etait un bon garcon. dernier nuit, je completais un papier difficile. aujourdui, je suis fatigee mais ce n'est pas trop mal. Alors, ma classe a commencé. Je suis desolée pour mon francais terrible.

Malerina

2009-09-14T16:40:00.001-07:00

I went to my first ballet class down the street today. I decided to go to Beginner Ballet because of how out of shape I am. It was a good choice. It was more exercise than dance at that level but it felt good. I was glad to see that my body did not look like a pile of soggy logs. I was able to strain myself back into a dancer's posture without too many obstacles. One obstacle was my turnout for sure. It's the first thing to go. I think because I have been lifting arm weights, it felt easier than ever to hold my arms in second position, and of course, since it was a beginning class, that's where they were the whole time. I might go to Intermediate tomorrow, and if not I will go next week.

It's homework time. I have lots of running around to do tomorrow at school. I am trying to get paperwork for my internship straightened out and it is a fiasco.

Rack of Lamb of God

2009-09-14T03:44:00.001-07:00

The headline in the Observer today is "Panthers, Delhomme, in rare playoff form." Ha, ha (we lost to Arizona 13-33; I was there; it was horrible). Yesterday was more painful than the playoffs, though. There wasn't even time to cheer before we'd lose the ball. Emma came over to watch with us. We ate snacks and performed no less than 3500 facepalms. Next Brandon and I took Birthday to Dairy Queen where I got a red white and blue popsicle. That was OK.

I'm waiting a few more minutes for the sun to come out a little more before I walk Birthday. Plus he's sleeping right now. Bon Bon and I are the only ones awake in this wide world. When does Daylight Savings end? I wish it were today.

We went to the Greek Festival with some friends on Saturday. The boys got gyros while the girls shopped for treasures. I got a photo of a duckie, a donkey pin, and dove earrings. I thought a little about the thousands of lambs killed for gyros at the greek festival.

But I couldn't dwell on it or I'd punch my boyfriend in the nose. Isn't Jesus the lamb of God and shouldn't Christians such as Orthodox Greeks NOT slaughter and then scarf down these little guys? Juuuust wondering!

Should I even bother waking up this sack of dog bones to go for a walk? Hey Birthday, everybody wishes he could sleep all day. Time to join society.

Oh poor sleepy hot dog. Poor little noodle.

free healthcare: nobody; wolf rights: none

2009-09-11T03:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got an internship with the Charlotte Observer. It's not a standard journalism internship, it's a social media project, but my boss says he can still set up special learning experiences for me like sitting in on a news meeting or following a reporter around. In other words, awesome. We will meet once a week which is good for my schedule. After the interview, I walked down Tryon from Stonewall to 5th street where Brandon picked me up. During the walk I pretended I had a real job that made lots of money, which I could do since I was dressed in business clothes and walking down town carrying a folder.

I'm supposed to look at the news for a few of my classes, so I was looking at nytimes.com this morning. What is at the bottom of the screen but some douchebag crouched over a dead wolf. News: wolf hunting season has begun in Idaho! Ugh, how traumatizing at 6am.

Before dawn

2009-09-09T03:35:00.000-07:00

I stayed up to nearly 1am watching Secret Lives of Women episodes. I regret it this morning but just a little. I slept through my early alarm and then fell asleep while holding my phone after my second alarm went off. Luckily Brandon said "What are you doing?" and I woke up. Yesterday Brandon and Birthday and I took a long walk up to Independence Park. Birthday said hello to a dog and stepped in the pool again. Then he was tuckered out.

This morning there is thunder.

Yellow

2009-09-08T17:06:00.001-07:00

I forgot to update about the speech I had to do for Public Speaking. I hate public speaking, not the class, the actual thing. When I danced a solo for the first time onstage my Freshman year I remember it distinctly felt like jumping into an ice cold pool. In class on Friday, I volunteered to go fifth or sixth and I told a story about dogs. I was pleased in general with my performance because by the last 30 seconds of the 3 minute speech I felt relaxed. Usually I feel nervous not only through the whole thing I'm doing, but for the rest of the day too. I guess it's getting better. The next dance I soloed in didn't feel as shocking either. Still, it's kind of like getting used to getting punched in the face; why bother?

This morning on my way to school I got to listen to just a small part of the Diane Rehm Show on NPR; they were talking about sisters. I teared up about a million times during the 10 minute drive. Not because I miss my sister (even though I do) but because I'm so glad to have her! Some people wish their whole lives that they had a sister and I just know when ladies wish for sisters they are wishing for my exact sisterly relationship: a sister that looks like me and gives me clothes, is close to me in age and is one of my best friends ever for life. Ha! I just feel so glad, an extreme and smug gladness. If you haven't already, you have to check out her blog at gregandkevina.blogspot.com. It's fascinating even if she wasn't my sister I promise.

My labor day weekend wasn't long enough. Brandon and I had ideas in our heads about spending an entire day cleaning and organizing the apartment and that just didn't happen. For me, I don't mind the slow progress because there IS progress every day, but Brandon is tidier than I and gets prickly about it. Then I get mad because I haven't had a nap. Etc. Moving in is a little bumpy but overall it's not bad. I take the spats and stress in stride because the situation is so obviously stressful. Also I think of my sister living in a hut in Belize and I don't get mad about my 3 cabinets that are supposed to contain food for two people, a baby, a dog, and a cat. We are finding the tiniest corners to jam stuff into. I like it, it's very cozy in here now.

I'm going to have some coffee and practice haikus on the couch I think. Ugh plus I have homework about Cuba.

Donner son coeur avec un bouquet de fleurs, oh la la la, mais c'est magnifique

2009-09-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

Accidentally woke up at 5:25am but it's labor day. I'll just sit here.

I had dinner at Brandon's parents' last night in Pineville. We had spicy spaghetti. They're so nice to have us over for dinner often.

I got my vegan ballet shoes from http://www.cynthiakingdance.com/ in the mail and yesterday I sewed the ribbons on. I tried them on and was horribly shocked about how atrophied my ballet muscle memory has become. I wish I had a secret life as a ballerina. I don't know whether the studio is open today so I may wait until next Monday to go at all, since Tuesday is "intermediate" ballet and I feel like a pile of logs.

I'm also about as flexible as a steel pipe. Why haven't I been going to yoga? I need to find time to exercise my body and that's that.

Not that sitting on the internet many hours before anyone should ever be awake is helping matters. Plus work on the apartment is slow and should come first.
Little Birthday is curled in the tightest ball of sleep. Brandon is snoring from the other room. Bon Bon ran outside. Maybe I should run outside too, get my feet in some dew and sit in a tree for a while. But that would embarrass Bon Bon.
We're almost caught up to real-time Mad Men via watchmadmen.net. Poor quality but our last resort. By next week we should be sitting down to the TV to watch dear Peggy get high and bang.

gimme the god damn diamond

2009-09-06T07:05:00.001-07:00

Due to team facebook-stalking with Brandon, I have found my wedding photographer. NO, I'm not engaged, but that's beside the point.

http://www.jeremyigo.com

He makes ladies look like fashion models and seems to always have beautiful texture, color, and lighting in even the simplest photos. SO BEAUTIFUL!

Of course all images are from http://www.jeremyigo.com and there are so many more spectacular ones at the website. I don't care a lot about fancy location/fancy cake/designer dress or anything like that really but I MUST have THIS MAN photograph my wedding. The end.

bb kv vn vv

2009-09-04T03:05:00.000-07:00

Up at 5:30. Today is Friday and Monday is Labor Day. I don't want to get up in front of class and speak today!! At least it's my first class and I'll get it over with. Right now I'm microwaving my tea. I hate anything less than scalding hot tea. My sister is the opposite; she loves the lukewarm.

Yesterday Brandon, Brandon's dad and I went to the Panther's final pre-season game. We stayed until halftime. There was probably a 50/50 crowd of Pathers/Steelers fans, leaving us sitting down covering out faces while what seemed like the whole rest of the stadium stood up yelling and waving yellow rags. Sports can be weirdly humiliating. I'm so ashamed of these little men at the bottom of the hill. They represent who I am as a human being. They do not catch the ball. I'm not mad at them, I'm mad at what they do. I will always forgive them.

While we tailgated in a lonely parking lot, yellow and brown everybody sauntering by, we talked mostly about music. Brandon put on a mix CD that was great except for one especially whining Bright Eyes song. I don't totally hate Bright Eyes but sometimes it's a little much. Brandon then said "Conor Oberst is probably the best lyricist around today." I rolled my eyes right at him. I made a list of my own top 5 lyricists: Will Oldham of Bonnie 'Prince' Billie, Dan Bejar of Destroyer, David Berman of the Silver Jews, Stephen Merrit of the Magnetic Fields, and John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats. I'm not a big music guy but I do care about lyrics more than anything else so I thought I'd write about music this once. Bright eyes my foot. Bright eyes my eye.

The best thing in the world is that Monday is Labor day! So no early days until Wednesday. What a nice reprieve. Hold on the baby wants to say something

hcccc f h hhhhhhhgv v

Happy weekend!

Glass hole

2009-09-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Waking up before 7am every day rules. Today I put on my shoe and felt a horrible cutting pain in my finger. A piece of glass had fallen in my shoe. I lifted my finger and a tiny shard was sticking out of it horror movie style. I put a hello kitty bandaid on it. It stings.

We are about to take the family on our morning walk. The weather has been so nice. I want to be married in the fall.

For 17th cent lit homework last night I had to read in great detail about Renaissance physiology and psychology. It left me thinking the whole four humors idea wasn't all that far off. Too much grief will actually make you sick. An excess of melancholy will blacken your dreams.

I'm thinking about making a little booklet of haiku.

Snews

2009-09-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yay! Today I got my Vegan Omega-3 Fatty Acid supplements in the mail. I am waiting on my vegan ballet shoes, and a yellow heart-shaped USB hub. I am all about internet shopping lately.

Tomorrow I'm going to give a speech about dog bromance in order to illustrate "who I am."

I can't wait to start getting grades back. I am so all about academia this semester. It's a form of collecting, I think.

We had our Welcome Back Party at the Center for Academic Success, where I work as a writing tutor. They emphasized how we should dress business casual when we're doing tutor stuff, which makes me want to go shopping. I love dress codes. Tomorrow I'm manning a booth for a little while and I get to wear our new Center t-shirt. I'm a little too excited about this.

Unpacking is slow and arduous. Brandon has given me permission to buy myself a new set of dishes. ALL my old ones are going to good will. I can't wait. Maybe I can go dishes/business casual shopping at Wal-Mart in one go. Oh yes.

Gruel Days

2009-08-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

What a hectic few days. I've been baby-sitting while Brandon moves his apartment into my apartment. Right now we have piles and piles everywhere, even though we've been cleaning, organizing, moving, and rearranging all weekend. It will never end! I can't even GUESS what is in some of these boxes Brandon is bringing over. He said he got rid of most of his old Rolling Stones, but did he really?

The first days of school have been fairly straightforward. Nothing horrible and nothing amazing. So far my favorite classes are Newswriting and French, least favorite Core and Public Speaking. Today in Public Speaking we talked about speech anxiety, broke it all down and wrote all our fears on the board, and I realized talking about nervousness makes me feel nervous. I have to give an introductory speech on Friday. It's not a nice Hi I'm so and so I'm from wherever and I like to do this and that, it's we have to tell an ANECdote that HINTS at who we are. Ugh! What story do I tell? I will probably tell a story involving Birthday and/or Bon Bon. Also, so far all of my writing assignments in French are on that topic. Am I BORING? I am a boring cat/dog lady.

At Queens University, we pride ourselves on a special class called simply Core. It's a little like "Freshman Seminar" except you take it four times: both semesters your Freshman year, once your Sophomore year, and again your Senior year. In Core class, you discover your personal answers to questions like "What is a noble life?", "What is modern citizenship?" "What is global citizenship?" and then senior year is Ethics I forget the title. Ethical existence. Anyway it's an excruciating mashup of history, ethics, humanities, literature, and philosophy.
So, sophomore core. (I'm a junior but I didn't get in last year. It's always a horror because everyone in the entire grade is trying to sign up for the same class, I don't know if they ever have enough space.) Imagine, if you will, a group of 25-30 youngsters, ages 18-20 (and me). Imagine them all trying to figure out, through group discussion, if we have an obligation to prevent famine in foreign countries. If you are imagining a futile effort, you are correct. Some of the students in my class say "like" so many times a sentence that they are literally incomprehensible. Others, though well-spoken, are long-winded nerds. Meanwhile I am there raising my hand to defend the animals ("It is dangerous to place human rights so high in a moral hierarchy"). Most of the time I like to remind myself to say nothing because if I engage in the conversation I feel pissed off and/or horrified.

Tomorrow though is what will be my favorite class of all, 17th century lit. I love english majors because they are nerds, quiet nerds. We all read and hate to talk. Yesterday a girl compared John Donne to Lil Wayne. Some of the girls actually swoon over John Donne, like, sexually.

Pause

2009-08-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

My first day of school went well. It was super busy. My day seems to get more annoying as the morning goes on. But 4 50-minute classes in a row goes by super fast, no big deal. Gotta do it again tomorrow. Yesterday after classes I came home and ate lunch, got dressed in business clothes and had a pre-interview for an internship. I'm not sure how it went or what I was supposed to be gunning for exactly. I tried to just be myself. I guess if the pre-interview did go well, then I'll get an actual interview a little later with the Observer. Believe me, this would be possibly the most incredible thing.

When I went into the English building for my "Core" class, I saw all the kids from my major and I felt like a little sneaky traitor. It's weird being a double major, you get a double life like a spy. But today (actually I need to get ready in like 5 mins) is my one glorious English class. I still love you, English major! I promise!

My birthday yesterday was perfect. I came out with a huge loot between my mom and dad and Brandon and Brandon's parents. I got dance classes, Apples to Apples, and a massage! Brandon made me a romantic/hilarious coupon book for things like "2 hours of Silence. No talking, no TV, no music." I am a Silence kind of girl.

My mom's gone to Canada now, and she'll be back by in a month. I should post pictures of our new living room because it's rad. Time for class!

Mug Infestations

2009-08-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend, Brandon, is moving into my apartment by the end of this month. We've made a lot of progress on the living room. The thing that annoyed me most about the merger was his ridiculous collection of TAPES that he keeps in a plastic grocery bag. My mom and I found him this perfectly 80s tape cassette holder with 3 little drawers. All the tapes fit into it and he spent a long time carefully alphabetizing them.
We are changing the office/computer room/dressing room into a nursery! That means all my junk is going into the living room or my bedroom. The computer will be in the living room again. This is so I can do my homework if the baby is over here alseep, but I think it also means that I will be on the computer way too much again. I can jump on it while we are on the couch watching TV. I should parental-controls myself.

This semester at school was already looking pretty busy, with 15 hours of classes and 2-3 at the Center for Academic success, but now it looks like I'm going to apply for an internship too. I just got word about it and it's too exciting to pass up. Also too exciting to talk too much about! Anyway I don't mind being busy, it's just one measly semester. The good news is that if I get an internship out of the way right now, I only have to take one more. Less chance of scrambling in my senior year.

I've been up since 7:30 and in a little while I have to go talk about my feelings. Then I have to do more house/moving stuff and maybe buy a respectable shirt. I just wanna NAP! But this will be good practice for the next few months. Only, less heavy lifting I hope!

I can't believe tomorrow is my birthday! 24 is such a divisible number.

Satisfaction

2009-08-24T08:31:00.001-07:00

I love getting ready for school. Here are my notebooks for this year:

Very satisfying, I think. 2 more days!

Who am I

2009-08-24T07:40:00.001-07:00

Maybe I will make an introductory note in case anyone has not come from my 10,000 entries on livejournal. My name is Kaylyssa Hughes and I live in Charlotte, NC. I am dating a boy named Brandon who has a small son. Brandon and I have been dating for 1 year (our anniversary is in a few days). I have a dog named Birthday who looks like a shark. He also does shark attacks. He is a year and a half and I've had him for about a year too. I have a handsome little cat named Bon Bon. Bon Bon has been my confidante since 2004. He is brown. He sleeps on my head. I have a sister who is only 18 months older than me. She is married and has just moved with her husband to Belize to join the Peace Corps. I'm very proud of her. Over the years she has worked as an elementary school teacher, lifeguard, nanny, and EMT!

I dropped out of high school when I was young. I proceeded to work different jobs and travel the world. I lived in New York City for the better part of a spring and summer in 2005. I didn't like it but the circumstances were bad. I went to Europe twice, once on my dime and once on my parents'. I went again to the U.K. for a cruise, so I guess it's 3 times. My dad is a comedian, you see, and he and my mom live on cruise ships. I stay in Charlotte to go to school. My sister and her husband lived in Wilmington (NC) before Belize, where they both graduated from UNCW. So I'm the only one in my ole hometown.

I go to Queens University of Charlotte, a private, Presbyterian-affliated, former school-for-girls. Now we are co-ed but barely. I started as an English-Creative Writing major but after the recession started I got so scared that I added another major, Communications-Journalism. I am also working on a minor in French, my long-lost unrequited love. My French is dismal but I have two more semesters of it and then I am studying abroad in Nice, France, for four weeks in 2010. I feel like a mini Kevina (my sister), bravely going to lands unknown to suck up the culture. Only I won't be helping anyone but myself, so maybe not.

I quit my job at a frame shop to start school when I was 21. It saved my life. At the time I was in an abusive relationship which lingered over almost 2 years. It was horrible. I was able to break it off with help from my friends and family and the school therapist. School was something I could throw myself into to help me get over the horror in my life. I pride myself on making good grades and I even work as a tutor now in the writing center at school. Two more years and I'll be a college graduate, something I never really thought I'd be.

Also around the time I started college I started reading a lot about animal rights, and by October 2007 I made the full switch to veganism. I can't think of any other lifestyle that matches with my love for animals. Veganism is a no-brainer.

I guess that's enough of a sum up. Here is a photo of Brandon and I at my best friend Kara's birthday.

Momdog Millionaires

2009-08-22T18:32:00.001-07:00

Football to the FACE mask. I am liking the pre-season. I got ready to go out for a few beers after the game and I feel like my face has holes in it. We went on many errands today. I got a pair of vegan boots 1/2 size too big. That's fine. They were $25.

I am having a beer next to my new deep pink 3-hole punch. I have my bookbag packed and organized. The only thing missing is writing social studies on a tiny rectangle and sliding it into a divider.

I hate getting ready when my body is hot inside, in the veins, and I do not feel like a supermodel. This is most of the time. Why can't I just feel like a supermodel?

The Big Move

2009-08-22T09:57:00.001-07:00

Livejournal's server is down again. I am going to pack my things and move here. More bedrooms, more luxurious bath. Welcome to me and you.

Up to this point my blog has been at kaylyssa.livejournal.com. Check it.